


Letting Go

by ItsNotLikeThat



Series: I Like You [1]
Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 13:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsNotLikeThat/pseuds/ItsNotLikeThat
Summary: 도전! Seungjoon tries to not like Hyojin
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjoon | J-Us
Series: I Like You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812694
Comments: 23
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I hope to make you smile!  
(Please brace yourself for cheese)

He didn’t know when or how it had happened, or even how he had suddenly become aware of it, but the fact of the matter was Seungjoon was in love with his best friend. It had been almost a year since Seungjoon had realised that the fond feelings he had for Hyojin were more than that of friendship, and these past months they’d spent together felt like he had been on a blissful high. What could be better than being in love with your best friend? To be able to hang out with him every day, confide in him everything and have him share everything in return.

Everything except for one thing; he hadn’t told Hyojin how he felt. And he didn’t intend to. When he had first realised his feelings, he had decided it would be better not to confess. He knew everything about Hyojin after all, and he knew his friend did not feel the same way. But that was okay, he had reasoned, it was okay as long as he was able to be by Hyojin’s side, and that was all that mattered, wasn’t it? 

In the past few days, he had felt a subtle change in himself. Or had it started weeks ago? He had started to notice an uncomfortable, heavy feeling inside, most prominently when he was with Hyojin. What was it?

“Seungjoon! Hello? You didn’t laugh at my joke!” Changyoon, his friend and classmate, prodded him as he pouted, upset that whatever he had said hadn’t received the response he’d expected.

“Oh, sorry, what did you say?” asked Seungjoon, pulling himself away from his thoughts.

“I said can you be-LEAF how big that sprout was?” said Changyoon, with a huge, cheesy grin on his face. Seungjoon stared at him. “Be-LEAF,” repeated Changyoon, “Get it?” Seungjoon silently turned away from his desk mate, giving him one last judging stare.

“Hey that was my drop, Hyojin-hyung!” yelled Minkyun, who had come up from the classes below during the break to play games. He sat opposite Hyojin at his desk as there were plenty of empty seats while the students wandered around and visited their friends from other classes.

“You snooze, you lose!” responded Hyojin with a laugh, without removing his eyes from the game on his phone. Minkyun lightly hit him on the shoulder. When Hyojin didn’t react, Minkyun leant across the desk and tried to tickle him. “Quit it!” yelled Hyojin, trying to pull away still laughing. “I’m going to steal kill everything if you keep it up!”

“Hyung!” shouted Minkyun, still trying to both distract Hyojin while playing the game on his phone.

“Why don’t you two just get a room and get married!” blurted out Seungjoon. This successfully distracted Hyojin as both he and Minkyun looked up at him at his sudden outburst. Why had he said that?

“Uh, sorry, I just heard Changyoon’s stupid ‘be-leaf’ joke and I think it’s affected my brain,” said Seungjoon, trying to laugh it off. He turned back to Changyoon and lightly punched him on the arm.

“Look at what you’ve done; now I’m making crappy jokes like you.” At his explanation, both Hyojin and Minkyun had a look of understanding and laughed while Changyoon held his arm and gave him a suspiciously knowing grin. 

“Hey, it was a good pun!” said Changyoon. 

“It was the worst! I can’t be-leaf you tried that on us- OH MY GOD I DIED” yelled Minkyun suddenly, looking down at his phone. “Resurrect me, Hyojin-hyung, resurrect meee!” The others laughed and Seungjoon joined in weakly before standing up from his desk. 

“Going to the bathroom,” he said briefly before leaving the room. He caught Hyojin’s eye who looked at him with a slightly concerned expression. Seungjoon tried to give him a reassuring smile.

_What the heck was that?_ Seungjoon thought to himself as he walked down the corridor filled with students chatting and gossiping with each other. He felt that uncomfortable feeling inside him again, more intense than before. Maybe it was a stomach ache? He entered the boys’ bathroom and went straight to the sinks, turned on a tap and splashed his face with water. He looked up at his reflection, water dripping from his face. _What is wrong with you, Lee Seungjoon? What’s happening?_ The image of Hyojin and Minkyun laughing together suddenly flashed across his mind and he felt a twinge. _Surely not._ He grabbed a paper towel and dried his face and hands before leaving the bathroom. _They’re your friends, you idiot. You can’t… you can’t feel jealous._ Was that what this feeling was? He paused in the corridor, trying to understand this new revelation. 

_ __ _

__

He felt someone walk into him as he suddenly stopped. “Ah, sorry hyung!” said a young voice. Seungjoon turned to see Yuto and Minseok, two of the younger students who he regularly practiced dance with. 

“No, it was my fault, Yuto,” replied Seungjoon smiling at both him and Minseok. 

“Aren’t you going back to class, hyung? Break is almost over,” piped up Minseok.

“Of course, I just stopped to, uh, check my shoelaces” He looked down at his shoes. “Yep, still tied,” he said brightly, looking back up at the two. Yuto looked at him with a slightly confused smile while Minseok checked his own shoelaces. “Well, I’ll be going now. See you two later!”

“Bye, hyung!” chorused the two, waving as they left. Seungjoon waved back as he watched them leave before heading back to class too. 

He was unable to concentrate for the rest of the day, trying to untangle the mess in his head. Thinking it through slowly, he realised it wasn’t just jealously. What was it? This… ache? Heartache? Could it be something so dramatic? He put his head in his hands, frustrated.

“Alright class, study your notes from today and answer the revision questions at the end of Chapter 24. They’ll be in next week’s quiz,” said their teacher. _Uh oh._ Seungjoon looked down at his almost empty notebook page and groaned quietly. As he always had, he turned to Hyojin for help.

“Hyo-,” he suddenly stopped himself. Without really knowing why, he didn’t want to ask Hyojin this time. He turned back to Changyoon who was putting away his things. “Hey Changyoon, can I borrow your notes?” 

“Yeah, sure,” replied Changyoon, still packing up. Seungjoon took a quick look at the still open notebook and groaned internally. What was this, it was all illegible to him. He tried squinting at the writing to see if that would somehow make it better. ‘Something something round something’ what? He heard a small chuckle next to him.

“What are you looking at his notes for? Just borrow mine,” said Hyojin, placing his notebook on Seungjoon’s desk. 

“Why, what’s wrong with my notes?” asked Changyoon, pouting again. 

“Your handwriting is the worst,” replied Hyojin, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Hurry up, what are you doing? We’re going to miss the train,” he said to Seungjoon who was staring dumbly up at the two who were both now ready to leave.

“Uh, right!” Seungjoon quickly shoved everything into his bag and got up to leave with them. Why? Why had he not wanted to ask Hyojin for help just now?

Seungjoon and Hyojin lived in the same neighbourhood, which meant they walked much of the same way home together. They had stopped by a food stand and purchased a snack each, one corndog on a stick and one twisty potato, also conveniently on a stick, and now sat on a bench in the park as they ate.

“How is it?” asked Seungjoon, nodding towards the corndog that Hyojin was eating. 

“Good,” replied Hyojin, munching happily. “Here,” he said, holding it out for Seungjoon to take a bite. He leant forward to try the corndog but burnt his lip.

“Ah! What the- how are you eating that, it’s still flipping hot!” exclaimed Seungjoon, putting a hand to his lip. Hyojin laughed.

“Because I’m a pro,” he said, taking another bite. Seungjoon glared at him. “You big baby, let’s see then,” said Hyojin, grabbing Seungjoon’s wrist to move his hand from his lip. Seungjoon felt his heart beat faster as Hyojin moved closer to inspect his lip. “It looks fine,” he said, letting go of his wrist. “Want to try again?” asked Hyojin, waving the corndog and grinning.

“No thanks,” replied Seungjoon, turning away in a huff to eat his twisty potato and to hide his smile.

Later that evening, after dinner, Seungjoon left his house to go for a walk to clear his head and try to understand what had happened earlier that day. First of all, it was true he had felt a moment of jealousy during their break period. That was unreasonable, he thought. For one, there was nothing to be jealous about; it had just been friends messing with each other. He felt a slight pang again at the image. _Ah what the heck._ He had reached the park by the river and breathed deeply, stretching his shoulders and turning his head side to side to stretch out his neck. Secondly, what right did he even have to be jealous? _That’s right, even if there was something to be jealous about, we’re just friends._ He breathed out slowly. _Get a grip._ He nodded slowly to himself. _Everything has been fine up until now so don’t ruin it._ He started walking slowly along the path again. It was good that he had realised it was jealousy, he thought. Now that he had logically dissected the situation and understood it, it would surely go away. 

_And what of that other feeling? Heartache?_ He crossed an arm across his chest and held his chin in thought with his free hand. _No, that’s crazy. Why would I feel heartache? More like heartburn from too many fire noodles._ He’d been eating a lot of them recently with Hyojin. That must be it. He decided he’d just have to cut back on the fiery noodles from hell. Seungjoon sighed. It was a shame, but a necessary sacrifice to get rid of that slow burning feeling in his chest, and everything could go back to normal.

The next morning, in an effort to not feel unwarranted, negative feelings, he tried monitoring himself throughout the day, trying to assess each situation before responding. This resulted in him giving delayed reactions and not being as talkative as usual.

“Ha-ha-ha,” laughed Seungjoon belatedly once again, as his friends stared at him. 

“Are you okay? You seem off today,” said Hyojin, with a mouthful of chicken. They were seated at a table in the cafeteria for lunch.

“Do I?” He sat in thought for a moment. Changyoon pointed at him.

“He’s doing it again! Maybe he’s been replaced by aliens,” suggested Changyoon. 

“Or he’s a clone!” said Minkyun excitedly. Hyojin ignored them and turned to Seungjoon again.

“…Anyway, are you okay?” he asked again. Seungjoon could hear Changyoon and Minkyun who had started bickering about whether he was an alien or a clone.

“Nah, I think I’m a bit out of it today,” he replied honestly, “But I’ll be fine.” He smiled at Hyojin who smiled back.

The next day at school, Seungjoon tried really hard to act like he usually would. He laughed extra loudly at all of Changyoon and Minkyun’s jokes, chattered even more about random things, ate with more enthusiasm during lunch and danced extra hard after school with his dance group. After a few days, his friends did not fail to notice the strange change that had overtaken him.

“Have you guys noticed anything weird about Seungjoon lately?” asked Hyojin during one lunch break after said friend had left after loudly declaring he needed the bathroom and made finger guns at them. They were sitting on some benches in the courtyard outside today.

“Yeah, he’s been laughing at _all_ my jokes lately. I thought I liked it at first but now it feels kind of weird,” said Changyoon, leaning back against the non-existent back support and almost falling off.

“Me too. He’s always been loud but recently he seems louder?” added Minkyun.

“And at dance practice he’s dancing harder than usual too,” said Jaeyoung, Minkyun’s classmate and another friend that was in Seungjoon’s dance group.

“He isn’t being as strict as usual though? Minseok made some mistakes during dance practice but Seungjoon-hyung didn’t say anything,” said Yuto, glancing at his friend. Minseok’s eyes widened.

“I did?! Why didn’t Seungjoon-hyung say anything?” asked Minseok, surprised.

“Is he okay?” asked Changyoon, leaning forward on the bench.

“I don’t know,” replied Hyojin, “He’s been acting strangely with me too lately. The other day after we had a snack from the convenience store, he suddenly clapped me on the shoulder and said ’This was great, buddy!’ and then left. He didn’t even wait for our fire noodles.”

“What about fire noodles?” asked Seungjoon, who had returned from the bathroom. He smiled while looking around at them all.

“We were just saying that you seem kind of different lately. Kind of like…” started Hyojin.

“Kind of like you’ve been possessed by the ghost of yourself, like a Seungjoon squared,” said Changyoon.

“Ah, really?” asked Seungjoon. If he was to be honest with himself, he hadn’t felt normal either, but he had hoped that if he tried hard enough things would naturally fall back into place. He looked at his friends’ faces and knew denying it would be of no use. His eyes fell onto the lollipop Minseok was holding. “It must be the candy I’ve been eating lately. It’s new and probably making me a bit loopy.”

“What candy?” asked Hyojin and Minseok in unison, one with a tone of suspicion and the other of curiosity.

“Japanese candy? It’s called-” he accidentally made eye contact with Yuto, “YuYu candy. Like I said, it’s new, you probably wouldn’t have seen it yet.” Most of the others looked satisfied with his answer, although Yuto still looked at him curiously and Minseok looked glum. “Ah look, the others are heading back to class, we should too,” said Seungjoon, noticing students getting up and leaving the area. He waited for the others to go ahead before putting an arm around Minseok as they walked. “What’s wrong?”

“You got new candy and you didn’t share it with us?” 

It was night and Seungjoon was taking a stroll at the park by the river again. _Alright then, operation ‘Act Normal’ didn’t go quite as planned. Now what?_ Perhaps he could try again, but try to control his enthusiasm? I thought I was doing it right though. He stopped walking and looked out at the river, black but for the reflection of the lights of the park and those from the restaurant and street lamps on the other side. He sighed. _Why am I doing this?_ Because he wanted things to go back to how they were before, before he felt like his feelings had become… painful. The low, burning sensation in his chest hadn’t gone anywhere even after cutting back on the fire noodles, which he had tried to convince himself were to blame. _Am I sad?_ He leant his forearms on the railing that ran along the path next to the river. _Isn’t what we have enough?_

He noticed a couple walking along the path on the other side of the river and couldn’t help but feel envious. He could call Hyojin out to have a night stroll with him too. _But it wouldn’t be the same._ He closed his eyes and felt the cool, night wind against his face. He did feel sad. Perhaps this one sided love was finally taking a toll on him. He wanted to tell someone, to let everything out and have someone to ask for advice. But the best person to confide in couldn’t be told. 

_I guess I could tell Changyoon… or Jaeyoung…_ Although the older boy was usually a bit silly and seemed foolish, he was actually quite thoughtful and empathetic. And Jaeyoung who was always kind would probably have some sound advice. He raised an arm to cup his chin as he thought. Should he tell them? He sighed again. He could already imagine the advice they’d give. They would probably tell him to confess or gently advise him to give up. He could imagine their reasoning too. If he confessed, Hyojin would surely understand. At best, he would return his feelings, which Seungjoon knew was not a realistic outcome. At worst, Hyojin would not feel the same and gently let him down, things would go back to normal and Seungjoon would just have to learn to let go of these feelings. At least, that’s what Changyoon and Jaeyoung would say would be the worst outcome. He clasped his hands together while keeping his elbows on the railing. Seungjoon didn’t want to think of the third possible outcome, one which neither would say… that his confession and subsequent rejection could make their friendship awkward and ultimately… end it. 

Which was why he hadn’t confessed all those months ago when he had first realised he was in love with him. He put his face in his hands, not liking where this line of thought was going. _Either they tell me to give up or I confess and then give up._ He looked up at the river again, not really seeing it. _So the answer is… I should give up? But… I don’t want to give up._ But he couldn’t go on like this either. These past weeks had been so uncomfortable. It was more than not wanting to feel unreasonably jealous or acting like a lunatic… this aching feeling of… longing? It was too much. He suddenly laughed at himself. _What am I, in a drama?_ He quickly looked around to check if anyone had seen him laughing alone in the park. 

A woman stood with her dog a short distance away, looking at him like he was some weirdo.

“I just… remembered this funny show I saw last night. There was this robot guy…” he trailed off as she turned around and walked her dog back the other way. He sighed and put a hand to his face. _I have become the weird guy in the park._ He shook his head and chuckled at himself but quickly stopped before another stranger came along to spot him.

_But really, this, whatever this crappy feeling is, has got to go._ He turned and stared into the river again, wanting to just remove his chest and throw it out into the water. _It really seems like all paths lead to the same result. Stop it, stupid chest and brain, we’re supposed to be part of the same body, why are you hurting me?_ It felt like he was procrastinating. Delaying the inevitable. _At least I had those months where I was blissfully ignorant and happy, without thinking of the end._ He took a deep breath, looking out again at the water, the lights on the other side of the river and up at the stars in the sky. 

_Okay, Kim Hyojin. For the sake of our friendship, I’m letting you go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by leaders I delved into the world of fanfics and even had a crack at writing for them! More leader fics, more! 
> 
> I started writing this over a year ago and included everyone then and will keep it that way for the stories I already started back then. 
> 
> Cookies for anyone who can figure out which show the 'robot guy' is from! Hehe


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to B1A4 Sandeul's 'Crush' for the feels!

Trying to fall out of love with someone he saw every day and spent so much time with was, unsurprisingly, difficult. While he shared some classes with Changyoon, saw the others most lunch breaks and had dance practice with some of them after school a few days a week, he shared almost all of his classes with Hyojin and, living in the same neighbourhood, took the same train to and from school most days. 

_We are just friends, just good friends, we are just good, good friends._ That had become something of a mantra for the past few days as he tried to convince himself to settle his feelings. They were standing in the train on the way to school. 

“Hey, did you listen to the song I linked you last night?” asked Hyojin, pulling his earphones out from his pocket. 

“Oh, no, not yet,” replied Seungjoon. He was purposely checking his phone as little as possible so that he could avoid seeing messages from a certain someone. Just while he sorted himself out.

“Here,” said Hyojin, putting the other earbud into Seungjoon’s ear. Seungjoon could feel his face unintentionally begin to warm and looked at the floor. _Just friends, just friends, just friends._ Hyojin pressed play on his phone and the song began. It was ‘Crush’ by B1A4’s Sandeul. Seungjoon’s hand gripped the pole he was holding onto tighter. _Is this a joke? Does he know? Is the universe playing with me?_ They stood in silence side by side, listening to the song that felt like he should be playing to Hyojin. 

_‘I feel like it's been a long time  
Since I liked you in secret  
With worries that I might get caught  
I contemplate myself, whether or not I should tell you’_

Seungjoon chanced a glance at his friend. Hyojin was looking out the window absentmindedly mouthing the words to the song. _You don’t know, do you?_ He looked out the window as well. He had already decided not to tell him, but this song… it felt like it was saying everything he wanted to say. The morning sun shining through the window made Hyojin look like he was glowing. _Should I tell him?_ Seungjoon opened his mouth and closed it again. _What if he accepted me… what if we could be together?_

“Hyo-“ The train suddenly lurched and Hyojin fell forward, head-butting Seungjoon in the face. “Ow!”

“Sorry!” exclaimed Hyojin, steadying himself against Seungjoon. Seungjoon held his cheek with his free hand and gave him an accusing stare. “Sorry, sorry, are you okay?” asked Hyojin, moving Seungjoon’s hand to check his face.

“You headbutted me in the money maker. If it’s damaged, you owe me a new face!” said Seungjoon, letting Hyojin inspect his face, looking at it side to side.

“Yeah, yeah, but my face is so much better than yours. I’ll let you have just half of it,” replied Hyojin, grinning. Seungjoon laughed his first real genuine laugh in what felt like weeks. “Well, it seems okay. I might’ve even improved it. You’ve been blessed by the mighty Hyojin Headbutt,” said Hyojin, letting go of Seungjoon.

“Yeah, whatever, you jerk,” said Seungjoon, still smiling. _This is how it should be._ He looked at his best friend who smiled back at him as he re-inserted the earbud that had been yanked out of his ear when they had stumbled. _That’s right, this is a one sided love._ Hyojin put the other earbud back into Seungjoon’s ear and replayed the song from where they last listened. _I won’t ruin this._ He looked at Hyojin again who had resumed staring out the window. _Because I cherish you too much._ They both stood staring out the window until the end of the song.

\---

_It’s so great that I no longer have feelings for my best friend whose hair is in my eyes and his arm pressed against mine_, thought Seungjoon sarcastically. It was break and Hyojin had pulled his chair up to Seungjoon and Changyoon’s desk, and they were all now huddled together watching a dance practice video on Seungjoon’s phone. 

“Woah, did you see that?” said Changyoon, imitating the move he had just seen with his hands.

“No, someone’s hair is all up in my face,” retorted Seungjoon. Hyojin sat back.

“Oh, my bad,” he said apologetically with that stupid, cute laugh of his. “Is this what you’re going to try to learn next?” 

“Yeah, maybe. I’m not sure since exams are coming up,” replied Seungjoon, putting his phone away. _And I have so much to catch up on!_ It had been two weeks since he had nearly confessed on the train, and since then, try as he might he had made no progress in his attempt to settle his feelings. Each time he felt as though he had made some, tiny amount of progress, something would happen and he’d fall for him all over again. It was as though since he’d made up his mind about letting go, his brain had decided to notice each and every time Hyojin was charming or cute or handsome. Which was way too often. He was concentrating so hard on trying not to notice Hyojin it was distracting him from everything else. He had been falling behind in his studies for a while now but it was getting worse. During dance practice too he would forget parts of the choreography.

Everyone returned to their seats as class resumed. _This isn’t working._ Seungjoon twirled his pen between his fingers once and looked over to his left where Hyojin sat at the next desk. He was diligently taking notes but stopped as he realised Seungjoon was looking at him. ‘What?’ mouthed Hyojin. Seungjoon smiled and shook his head before facing the front again. _I’m responsible for my own suffering here. Maybe I’ll fail at my love life but I can’t let everything else in my life fail too. I can’t get over my feelings for you if I’m constantly around you. Sorry, Hyojin, but until it’s all settled, it seems like I’ll have to cut you out._

For the rest of the day, Seungjoon pretended that the left side of the class didn’t exist, only allowing his view to wander straight ahead or to the right. As the saying goes: _out of sight, out of mind_. Class ended and he gave himself a pat on the back for not looking at Hyojin once, even though there had been a few close calls. 

“Let’s go, Seungjoon,” said Hyojin, standing by Seungjoon’s desk and ready to leave. He continued to look down only at his notebook and pens as he packed them into his bag, avoiding Hyojin’s gaze.

“Uh, you go on ahead. I’ve been falling behind lately so I’m going to, uh, study in the library today,” he said, feeling quite proud at his quick thinking. There was silence for a moment and Seungjoon had no idea what Hyojin might be thinking as he was still avoiding his face.

“What the- I’m going first then,” said Changyoon, leaving. “Minkyun said there’s a cat that I have to see and he won’t shut up about it unless I go. See ya.” Seungjoon watched as Changyoon left with a wave. 

“Why are you packing up so slowly today,” complained Hyojin, quickly stuffing the rest of Seungjoon’s things into his bag. “Let’s go,” he said, holding out Seungjoon’s bag. He took it slowly and slung it over his back. He couldn’t help but look at Hyojin in confusion.

“I’m going to the library though?” he said, standing up from his desk.

“Yeah, I heard you. I guess I can study there today too. Let’s go,” said Hyojin, heading towards the door. Seungjoon slowly followed him. _What the heck. The whole point of going to the library was to avoid you, not spend more time with you._ Seungjoon silently shook his fist at the universe. “What are you doing?” asked Hyojin, who had walked back to check on what was taking him so long. 

“I’m…just… stretching my studying arm, getting it all ready to… study,” replied Seungjoon weakly, waving his arm. Hyojin laughed and gave him a look that clearly said he thought Seungjoon was being weird. 

“Okay, whatever,” said Hyojin, grabbing Seungjoon’s wrist and pulling him along. “You slowpoke, the library will close before we even get there if you walk like that.” Seungjoon quickened his pace to match Hyojin’s and stared down at the hand that was holding his wrist. _Why, universe, why?_ They reached the library and Hyojin thankfully let go of Seungjoon’s wrist. They entered and looked around for a table.

They chose a place by a window and unpacked their things to study. Looking down at his notebook, Seungjoon suddenly realised something and stood up. “I forgot my maths textbook. I guess I should just go home to study,” said Seungjoon, thanking his absentmindedness today. 

“What? How did you do today’s work then?”

“I shared with Changyoon”

“Then you can just share my textbook”

“Oh… right.” He slowly sat back down as Hyojin scooted his chair closer so that they could look over his book together. Seungjoon felt an internal conflict, happy at their closeness and mad at himself that he was happy. _Concentrate! Just study!_ He was staring hard at his notes when he felt Hyojin shift beside him and accidentally glanced at him. _Why do you have to look handsome when you study too? With your stupid hair, and your stupid eyes, and your stupid nose, and your stupid mouth…_ Hyojin looked up at him and suddenly leant in closer. 

“Can I turn the page now?” he asked quietly. Seungjoon simply nodded while he tried to calm his suddenly racing heart. _Idiot, idiot, idiot. What did you think was about to happen?_ Also, he actually still needed the last page. 

“Ah, you know what, this is the library, I’m sure they have another copy of the textbook. I’ll just go find one,” said Seungjoon, quickly standing up and leaving for the bookshelves. Once hidden in the maths aisle, he held his cheeks in his hands, checking how warm they were. _How many times have you been close, why would you get flustered now?!_ He walked up and down the aisle with his face in his hands while looking for a copy of the right textbook. He finally found it on a shelf a little above eye level. _Expectation verses reality, the love interest comes along and helps take down the book for me. Reality: we’re the same height so why would I need help-_ A hand reached passed his head to pull down the textbook. _No way…_ He turned around to find Hyojin standing there, holding the textbook out for him to take. 

“What’s wrong with you, it was right there. You were gone for so long I figured you were having trouble finding it,” said Hyojin, turning to head back to their table. Seungjoon slowly started to follow him back, feeling a mix of emotions again. _Can you not treat me so kindly?_ They both sat down and Hyojin opened the textbook to the page they were on for him. 

“Thanks…” said Seungjoon. He knew these were all friendly and kind gestures but they made him hurt. Because they made him love Hyojin more. _But we can’t be together._ He felt that pain inside his chest again. _And the more I love you, the more it hurts._

Seungjoon began to actively avoid Hyojin as much as he could. During lunch breaks, he’d engage in conversations with everyone but Hyojin. After school, he tried to schedule more dance practices with his dance group and where that wasn’t possible, he said he had errands to run. During class, when there was partner work, he tried to avoid working with Hyojin who he usually paired up with. But that did not work out too well today. 

“Hey Changyoon, want to do the assignment with me?” asked Seungjoon, waving the sheet that the teacher had just handed out to them. It was a take-home assignment and he (mostly) did not want to take Hyojin home.

“Are you nuts? No, I’m going to ask Hyojung,” replied Changyoon, giving him an incredulous look as he stood up to change seats. 

“Why? Do you like her?” said Seungjoon, making a sappy face. Changyoon rolled his eyes.

“Because she’s a thousand times smarter than you, dummy,” said Changyoon, leaving. Hyojin sat down in Changyoon’s empty seat and watched Changyoon sit next to a girl at one of the front desks, before turning to Seungjoon.

“And why would you want to work with Changyoon?” asked Hyojin. Seungjoon pretended to look at the question sheet to avoid looking Hyojin in the eyes as he lied.

“…Just to change it up a bit? See if he had any… good ideas…” mumbled Seungjoon. Hyojin raised an eyebrow at his response.

“Okay… well are you alright working with me then?” Seungjoon looked up at him. What was that tone in his voice?

“Of course,” replied Seungjoon quickly. Was he imagining it? Hyojin suddenly seemed moody. He chanced a glance at him again. Was that a slight pout? _He’s cute. Wait, no._ Seungjoon discreetly took a deep breath to try clear his head. _He probably is moody._ He clenched his fists as he tried to quickly squash any hopeful thoughts that it was because he was jealous. _Don’t be stupid, don’t be stupid. You made him feel bad when you asked Changyoon first. He is still your best friend. Anyone would feel bad._ He sighed. Since they had to go home together today anyway…

“Want to eat some fire noodles after school?” Hyojin perked up at that.

That afternoon at Seungjoon’s house, after eating their fill of fire noodles, they sat on the floor of Seungjoon’s room to work on their assignment. 

“Uh, this is so boring,” groaned Hyojin, looking at all the open textbooks in front of them. 

“As if we’d ever use any of this stuff in real life,” complained Seungjoon, looking at the text on his laptop. “Why is this so difficult?”

“Right?” said Hyojin, flopping onto the low table and resting his head on arms. “And you wanted to work with Changyoon.” Seungjoon was silent for a moment, not knowing how to respond.

“Ha-ha-ha, and what a terrible mistake that would have been, ha-ha.” He quickly took a sip of water from his bottle. _Please let it go_, he prayed silently. Hyojin sat up again and looked at him directly.

“Seungjoon, have you been avoiding me?” _Nevermind, go back to the Changyoon thing._ He bit the inside of his lip. _Yes? No?_ He looked back at Hyojin, his best friend in the whole world. _Do I tell him now?_

“No, of course not,” said Seungjoon, trying to sound casual. “I’ve just been stressed about-,“ _About what?_ “-Puberty.” _You’re an idiot._

“What?” said Hyojin, looking both confused and concerned. _Why didn’t you say studies… you’re surrounded by books…_ “You’re concerned about puberty… now?”

“Uh, I meant Minseok and Yuto! Concerned about them going through puberty”

“I’m pretty sure they’re both aware by now”

“But are they prepared? What if their hormones mess them up? And they both fall for the same person and then there’s a big love triangle and it’ll ruin their studies and our dance group and their future-“ Hyojin stared at him and he lowered his hands which he had been using to gesture about. “I’ve been watching a lot of dramas lately. Because I’ve been really stressed from studies.”

“Why didn’t you just say that then, geez,” said Hyojin, shaking his head and turning back to their books. “You can tell me if you’re having a hard time, okay? You don’t have to worry about burdening me or something stupid like that.” Seungjoon felt that weird mixture of ridiculous happiness and sadness again. 

“Yeah… thanks. You too,” said Seungjoon, after a few moments. Hyojin grinned at him.

“I know.”

Three hours later, Seungjoon was staring at his laptop screen, finishing up their assignment. Hyojin was asleep with his head on his folded arms. Seungjoon looked blearily at him. _That seems like a good idea._ He pushed his laptop aside and folded his arms to rest his head on the table too, scooting a little closer to Hyojin so their elbows touched. _What do you know?_ He asked silently, looking at Hyojin’s sleeping face. _You don’t know anything_, he thought sleepily. He felt a strong desire to touch his face. His arm had moved without conscious thought and now lay near Hyojin’s head. His hand reached out to touch Hyojin’s hair but he stopped, folding his arm again. _How am I supposed to give up on you?_ His eyes closed and his breathing slowed. _I just can’t escape you, huh?_ And he fell fast asleep.

Seungjoon woke up to the sound of tapping. He made groaning noises as he sat up from where he’d fallen asleep and felt the stiffness in his limbs. Hyojin sat beside him, working on the laptop.

“What are you doing?” asked Seungjoon through a yawn.

“Just double checking our work. Thanks for finishing it up last night. You must have been really sleepy towards the end though because you wrote ‘sleep sleep sleep’ a few times.” They both laughed and Seungjoon started to get up. “And ‘Kim Hyojin is perfect’.” Seungjoon froze.

“I did?”

“Haha, nah, you wrote ‘Kim Hyojin is sleeping’. You must’ve been really tired,” said Hyojin, grinning. Seungjoon punched him in the arm. 

“Have you eaten anything?”

“No, I felt bad for falling asleep so I thought I’d do this first”

“Okay, I’ll go wash up first then”

“Good, you stink”

“You stink”

They chatted happily on the way to school for the first time in weeks since Seungjoon’s mission to give up on Hyojin began. Standing on the train and joking around together, Seungjoon began to wonder whether it might be okay to just continue his one sided love. He hadn’t felt this light in ages. _I really missed this._ Hyojin smiled at him. _I really missed you._

They came out of the station and headed towards their school. On the way they spotted three familiar looking figures, two appeared to be bickering as one hovered near them. They caught up to Jaeyoung who waved at them.

“Minkyun’s just teasing Changyoon-hyung about Hyojung-noona,” explained Jaeyoung. “I’m just standing here wondering whether I should pretend I don’t know them or not.” 

“I told you, it was just an assignment,” said Changyoon, pushing Minkyun out of his way.

“Yeah, but you always ask Hyojung-noona, don’t you?” persisted Minkyun.

“Because she’s smart”

“Because you like her, right?” teased Minkyun. Changyoon stopped and turned to look at him. The others watched on, enjoying this light morning entertainment.

“You really want to know who I like?” Minkyun gasped excitedly.

“Yeah!” he said eagerly. Changyoon pulled out his phone. 

“It’s this person.” Minkyun and the others gathered around curiously.

“It’s a photo of you though?” Changyoon smirked at him as the others laughed and continued heading for school, leaving a sulky Minkyun behind.

The group of friends sat out in the courtyard for lunch today, on some benches under the light shade of a tree. 

“You really don’t like her?” asked Minkyun again, sitting next to Changyoon. Seungjoon snickered as Hyojin gave Changyoon a pitying look.

“Yes, really!” said Changyoon, annoyed.

“But if you did, you’d tell me?” said Minkyun, holding onto Changyoon’s arm.

“Why should I tell you?”

“I’d tell you if I liked someone”

“Do you?”

“No.” Changyoon pushed him off the bench as the others laughed. Minkyun quickly picked himself up and dusted himself off before sitting beside Jaeyoung. “What about you?” Jaeyoung blinked and stared at him. “You?” he said, turning and looking towards Yuto. Yuto quickly shook his head. Seungjoon began to feel uncomfortable. He’d never talked to Hyojin about this topic since developing feelings for him because he didn’t want to hear his answer. “Does nobody like anybody here?!” said Minkyun, throwing up his hands.

“I like you, Minkyun-hyung!” said Minseok sticking up his hand.

“Thanks, Minseok.” He looked over to Hyojin who was still eating. “What about you, Hyojin-hyung?” Hyojin looked back at him and chewed slowly. Minkyun sat up a little straighter as the others looked at Hyojin with interest. 

“Hmm.” Seungjoon suddenly felt a heavy weight inside as Hyojin seemed to consider his answer. “Nope.” Seungjoon silently let go of the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Why?! You’re all boring!” whined Minkyun, slouching again.

“You didn’t ask Seung-“

“We should head back to class!” said Jaeyoung loudly over Minseok. He stood up and started pulling Minseok and Yuto along. “Come on, Minkyun.” Seungjoon wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw a quick look pass between Jaeyoung and Changyoon.

“You’re all boring,” repeated Minkyun, walking backwards and pointing at each of them. “Boring, boring, boring!” he said, before running off to catch up with the others.

“Hey, that includes you, banana brains!” yelled Changyoon. Hyojin laughed and Seungjoon belatedly joined in. The three began to walk back to class together, Seungjoon trailing behind the other two. 

_That’s right, you have to give up because of things like this._ If he felt bad now, how would he feel the day when Hyojin’s answer became a ‘yes’? He stared at Hyojin’s back. _I can’t think clearly because of you._ They settled back in their seats. He glanced over at Hyojin who looked free of any concerns. _It’s all me. I’m going crazy by myself. But I can’t seem to escape you, literally or figuratively._ He held his head in his hands.

“Hey, are you okay?” asked Changyoon quietly. “You look like you need a holiday.” Seungjoon stared at him and suddenly grabbed Changyoon’s hand with both of his own. He looked at Seungjoon in surprise and then concern. “Are you crazy now?” he whispered.

“You’re a genius,” whispered back Seungjoon. Changyoon looked mollified and smiled.

“I see you’re okay.”

A holiday, that’s what he needed. Solid time away to clear his head and settle his feelings. Away from Hyojin. School break was coming up so he could take this opportunity to go somewhere for a few days. There was a beach by a small village a few hours from here where his family sometimes went to for inexpensive holidays.

He spent the next few days planning his trip in secret, which helped distract him from the mess in his head. _This trip is already working_, he thought, smiling to himself. Class had finally ended for the last day of school and they were getting ready to leave.

“Doing anything fun during the break?” asked Seungjoon brightly to Changyoon. 

“Yeah, that game I pre-ordered finally came! I’m going to be playing it for the next few days so don’t bother messaging me,” he replied. “You?”

“Yeah!” Hyojin looked at him curiously. _Wait, what if they ask why I want to go to a remote village by myself?_ “I mean no. I mean yeah, maybe just a boring family trip somewhere, I don’t know. No?” Changyoon made a face at his weird answer. 

“Okay, well, see you if you maybe get back from wherever if you go!” said Changyoon, waving at them as he left.

“So you aren’t going anywhere?” asked Hyojin.

“Nah,” replied Seungjoon casually, looking away.

“Are you eating that YuYu candy again?”

That afternoon as they walked home together, Seungjoon decided he wanted to savour these last few moments of having these stupid, lovey dovey feelings. He really wanted to hold Hyojin’s hand but that would definitely not pass for just a friendly gesture. To suddenly put an arm around his shoulders would probably seem strange too. _Ah, to heck with it._

“Hey, Hyojin!” said Seungjoon, stopping. Hyojin stopped walking and turned back with a questioning look. Seungjoon closed the distance between them and hugged him. “You know you’re my best friend, right?”

“Uh, yes?” said Hyojin, sounding confused.

“And you’re really important to me”

“Okay… thanks?” said Hyojin, patting Seungjoon lightly on the back. “You’re really important to me too?” Seungjoon let him go and clapped him on the back, grinning. Hyojin looked at him with concern. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just thought it was something you should know. You know? You never know what might happen but I thought that that- it’s something you should know,” said Seungjoon, and with that, continued walking. Hyojin looked after him still looking both confused and concerned.

\---

The next day he stood waiting on the train platform with a packed duffel bag. Now that he was here, he felt a mix of excitement and happiness that he was going on a trip, but also sad for the reason why. _I’ve been feeling a lot of mixed emotions lately. Maybe it _is _hormones_, he thought, smiling at his idle thoughts.

“What are you doing?”

Seungjoon turned around at the voice and came face to face with Hyojin. Seungjoon took a moment to get over his surprise.

“What are _you_ doing? Why are you here?” asked Seungjoon in return.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“I went over to your place to hang out but Shinwoo-hyung asked me why I was there when we were supposed to be going up to Subak Village together.” Thinking that his family would not have let him go alone, Seungjoon had told his family he was taking his trip with Hyojin. “Why did you lie?” 

“Uh, yeah, sorry about that, I just wanted to go by myself but I figured they wouldn’t like it if I told them that, so I told them I was going with you,” replied Seungjoon.

“But why did you lie to me? You could have told me that yesterday when I asked you.”

“Uh… sorry…” Seungjoon stared back at him, unable to think of how else to respond. What should he say now? The platform speakers announced the arrival of his train, saving him from this intensely awkward situation. “That’s my train,” he said, pointing at it unnecessarily. Hyojin looked a little mad but there wasn’t much Seungjoon could do about it now.

“Seriously? You’re going just like this?” Seungjoon picked up his bag, getting ready to leave. 

“Yeah? I’ll, uh, explain when I get back, okay?” Maybe they could laugh it off later on? He turned to leave. This was a really strange situation and it was difficult to process what was happening. Hyojin grabbed his shoulder to turn him back. Seungjoon looked at him in surprise.

“Are you really okay?” Seungjoon smiled at him and patted Hyojin on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I am. Or I will be. I have to go, I’ll tell you everything later, really,” said Seungjoon, turning to leave again. He boarded the train carriage and found his seat by the window. Hyojin stood on the platform, his expression still full of concern. Seungjoon waved and gave him a thumbs up and a reassuring smile, which didn’t seem to really reassure him. _It’s going to be so awkward later._

__

__

As the train left, Seungjoon couldn’t help but find this strange situation slightly amusing. _This is almost like those scenes in movies where the protagonist runs to stop his love interest from leaving. Except he didn’t try to stop me._ He sighed at the boringness of his reality and pulled out a snack from his bag. _And I wouldn’t get off anyway, I’ve already paid for my ticket and everything_, he thought idly as he munched.

He enjoyed the passing view from the train as he listened to music on his earphones. Three hours and a bus ride later, he arrived at Subak Village and set his bag down in the small cabin with minimal furnishings he’d be staying in for the next few days. He took a quick look around before heading to the beach. He took his time, stopping to enjoy the scenery, taking a few photos and selfies and eating a snack.

_This getting away thing is great. Did it perhaps already work?_ He took out his phone and looked at a photo of him with Hyojin. _Okay, nope._ He put his phone back in his pocket. _But there’s still plenty of time_, he thought optimistically. He took off his shoes and socks when he reached the sand and held them in his hand. 

_That’s right_, he thought as he strolled along the beach, _how long have you been trying to give up? It’s not like one train ride would suddenly make it go away_. He closed his eyes as he felt the fresh sea breeze and the soft sand underfoot. He continued walking until he reached the end of the beach where there was nobody around and sat down, looking out at the sea.

_I shouldn’t have hugged him._ Now that he was able to think more clearly, he began to recall a lot of his strange behaviour over the past weeks. _I shouldn’t have done loads of things._

“See, this is why I have to stop! You’re making me crazy!” shouted Seungjoon towards the sea. “You don’t even know… well, because I don’t tell you, but still,” he mumbled. It felt good to be able to voice his feelings out loud. He looked around, making sure he was really alone, before getting up and approaching the water. 

“I still don’t really want to stop though…” Couldn’t he just bear it? He put a hand to his chest. “No, this is why I’m out here. I might be happy now but what about the day when he has someone else?” He groaned. He hated just the thought of it. Which was why he had to stop. 

He kicked at the water to let out his frustration. “This sucks! This sucks, this sucks, this sucks!” he yelled, continuing to kick up the water. He kicked and splashed and shouted until he tired himself out and his clothes were almost entirely soaked. He stepped back from the water, panting while looking at the sun that was beginning to set. 

“Okay. For real. The sun will set and I will totally give up. Even when he’s nice to me I won’t falter. I’m going to ignore that stupid smile. I’m really, really letting go this time.” He took a deep breath. “YOU HEAR THAT? KIM HYOJIN, I’M NOT GOING TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE! I’M LETTING YOU GO!”

“Please don’t.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurray, Sandeul, Shinwoo and Hyojung! Of course I had to include WM family where possible
> 
> I feel like he's a bit overdramatic at times, but isn't youth a bit like that? When your crush is everything in the world to you? Haha, it's fun
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Seungjoon whipped around at the voice he knew all too well. Hyojin stood a few metres away, looking much the same as he had earlier that day but with a backpack and his shoes in his hands. They stared at each other silently for a few moments before Seungjoon bent down, picked up a seashell and threw it at him.

“Ack! What are you doing?!” exclaimed Hyojin, holding up his arms in case Seungjoon launched another seashell attack.

“I was just checking if you were real! What are you doing?! Why are you here? No, how are you here?!” asked Seungjoon, dumbfounded. 

“I caught the train. I already knew where you were going so I just went home to get some stuff before coming here."

“Here? The beach? You were looking for me? You knew I’d be at the beach?”

“Well, I did walk around checking some other places but then I thought of here! I remembered you showed me this spot the last time we were here,” explained Hyojin, looking a little proud of himself. “And of course to look for you, why else?”

“But-but why?” Hyojin’s expression changed and he looked slightly mad again.

“Why? Because you’ve been acting like a lunatic lately and saying weird things, and then you’re lying to your family, and me, and going off somewhere by yourself and saying ominous things,” said Hyojin, gesturing with his hands as he spoke.

“What? Ominous things?”

“Yeah, ominous! Those things like ‘whatever happens, you should know’? ‘I’m not okay, but I will be’? And then you leave?” Seungjoon scratched his head awkwardly.

“Oh… I see. Is that ominous? I have been weird lately… my bad,” he said sheepishly. “I did say I’d explain later though?”

“Where’s your phone?” Seungjoon pointed at his shoes and socks. He’d left his phone with them when he decided to take a dip in the water. He went over to it and picked it up.

“Oh.” He had a bunch of messages from Hyojin and a few missed calls.

“I thought you meant you’d just text an explanation, but then you didn’t even pick up when I called.”

“It was in my shoe”

“Well I know that now, thanks,” said Hyojin sarcastically. Seungjoon bent down again to pick up his shoes and socks. Now that Hyojin’s presence had been explained, Seungjoon felt his heart rate begin to quicken as he sensed the reason for his own presence would be brought up. Maybe if he walked away fast enough they could leave the memory of what he’d yelled loudly at the sea behind.

“So… you love me?”

Seungjoon felt his face immediately warm at the question. He closed his eyes and took a breath, bracing himself before straightening up to look at Hyojin.

“Uh, did I say that? Well that, that’s a strong word, you see, um,” he tried to discern Hyojin’s feelings from his expression, but he couldn’t tell. _At least he doesn’t look disgusted? He doesn’t look exactly happy either…_ “What I’m, uh, trying to say is, hmm, maybe, sort of? It’s more like ‘like’? But maybe, maybe a little bit more than a friends’ ‘like’… But I’m working on it! I’ll fix it. Like I said. To the ocean,” he said, gesturing towards the sea. Seungjoon waited tensely for a response. After a few moments had passed and Hyojin’s face remained unreadable, Seungjoon couldn’t bear it any longer. 

“I’m just going to, um, walk over there now,” he said quietly. _And bury myself._ He had wondered briefly when he’d heard Hyojin say ‘Please don’t’ whether he might have meant to not give up on him. _Stupid hope. Did I mishear him?_ He made to walk past Hyojin who suddenly stuck an arm out to stop him. Seungjoon looked down at the arm and then up at his face.

“I don’t want you to.” Seungjoon felt confused and somewhat hopeful again.

“You don’t want me to walk over there?” Hyojin made a face at him and lowered his arm.

“I obviously didn’t mean that.”

“Well, what with the arm, anyone could have thought you meant that,” mumbled Seungjoon, more to ease the tense feeling he felt than to argue the point. He couldn’t look Hyojin in the face so he stared at the shoes in his hand.

“What I meant was that I don’t want you to give up on me. At least not yet? I mean, I don’t know exactly how I feel about all this right now, I’m still trying to absorb all this but… when I heard you yelling before… that… I didn’t like that.” Seungjoon continued to stare at his shoes, not sure if what he was hearing was real. “I know it’s a bit selfish, but can you wait just a little bit?” When Seungjoon didn’t respond immediately, Hyojin lowered his head so that Seungjoon would see his face. “Please?” Seungjoon felt his face warm up again. _That’s not fair, how can I say no to that?_

“Yeah,” mumbled Seungjoon, averting his gaze. He felt a complete mess inside, hopeful while trying to squash any premature happiness as he was stuck in this strange limbo.

Hyojin smiled at him before straightening up.

“Have you eaten yet?” asked Hyojin.

“I just had some snacks earlier, have you?” replied Seungjoon, feeling slightly relieved they had returned to normal conversation and pushing aside the mess for now.

“No, we should go eat. Let’s go back to where you’re staying,” said Hyojin, starting to walk back to the village. Seungjoon made to follow him but paused.

“Wait, did you have any plans before coming down here? What if you couldn’t find me?”

“I was sure you’d pick up your phone eventually,” replied Hyojin casually.

“You just planned on staying with me? What if I was staying in some tiny broom cupboard?”

“We could share a broom cupboard.”

“You’re insane, you just came all the way out here with no plan?” asked Seungjoon incredulously.

“I had a plan! You’re the insane one, coming out here by yourself,” he turned and walked backwards “Because you love me,” he said, grinning at Seungjoon. Seungjoon’s jaw dropped. He pointed at Hyojin.

“You! You’re not allowed to say that!”

“Is it because I’m so handsome?” Hyojin put a hand to his forehead as though in thought but unable to keep a straight face. “Ah!” he yelped, as he ducked a flying shoe.

“Ahh! Kim Hyojin!” yelled Seungjoon. Hyojin laughed as he picked up Seungjoon’s shoe and started to run away. “Hey! Give it back!” he yelled, running after Hyojin. 

“Okay!” said Hyojin finally after some minutes, quite out of breath and tired from the difficulty of running on sand. “I’ll give this back if you don’t throw the other one at me”

“You’re only giving up because I’ve almost caught you anyway!”

“Yes, yes I am,” replied Hyojin, grinning tiredly. He held out Seungjoon’s shoe, waiting for him to close the short distance left between them. Seungjoon caught up to him and took the proffered shoe, then promptly bent down to pull Hyojin’s leg to tip him over onto the sand.

“Ah!”

“Serves you right,” Seungjoon said with a grin, proceeding to steal Hyojin’s shoes which had fallen from his grasp and running off laughing with renewed strength. He stopped a short distance away, turning back to Hyojin who was still lying on his backpack like a flipped turtle.

“Just leave me, I’m so tired. I’ll just sleep here because you don’t even want to share your broom cupboard with me.” Seungjoon couldn’t help but laugh and walked back to him. He dropped all the shoes he was carrying and offered Hyojin his hands.

“Come on, there’s food back at the broom cupboard,” said Seungjoon. Hyojin accepted his hands and Seungjoon pulled. “What the heck is in your backpack?” asked Seungjoon as he struggled to pull Hyojin up. He could barely get him a few inches off the ground.

“Just some clothes and stuff,” replied Hyojin, who almost looked like he was enjoying Seungjoon’s struggles. “What kind of food?” 

“Your favourite ramyeon,” answered Seungjoon between huffs, to which Hyojin promptly let go of Seungjoon’s hands and got up by himself, grinning at him.

“Why didn’t you say so?” Seungjoon stared at him open mouthed as Hyojin picked up his own shoes and started walking again.

“Did you just- were you pretending- I’m going to kick your ass!” yelled Seungjoon, quickly gathering up his shoes and running after Hyojin again. Luckily for Hyojin, Seungjoon’s flying kick missed him. 

When they finally reached the cabin (after a few more failed butt kicking attempts and one successful), Hyojin took a look around the small space. The cabin had one living area with a TV, floor cushions and a low table, with a small kitchen led off it to one side and a tiny bathroom the other side.  
“Wow, this place really is a broom cupboard,” said Hyojin jokingly, setting his backpack down beside Seungjoon’s duffel bag.

“I wasn’t planning on having guests,” replied Seungjoon, rolling his eyes but still smiling, before kneeling down to retrieve some food items from his bag. _Least of all you._ Hyojin grinned at him before heading towards the kitchen with Seungjoon following. The kitchen was more of a kitchenette with a wall to separate it from the main living space which left barely enough room for two people, but they worked together easily and quickly found what they needed. They set up the portable stove and found some utensils to cook and eat with.

“Hmm, where are the pots kept?” wondered Hyojin aloud, opening the cabinet doors near him.

“I found one!” said Seungjoon brightly, pulling one out from the cabinets beside him. He turned and held it out to Hyojin, who stood closer to the sink, to fill with water. As Hyojin reached out to take it, his fingers accidentally brushed Seungjoon’s who let go of the pot in surprise. It fell to the floor with a loud clang. 

“Ah! Sorry!” he quickly bent down to pick up the fallen pot, feeling his face warm up in embarrassment. _Crap. That wasn’t obvious at all._ He couldn’t bring himself to look at Hyojin in the face as he handed him the pot again. As Hyojin was filling it with water, Seungjoon was yelling internally. _That was so obvious! I can’t even pretend I don’t know why I dropped it! He knows everything now! Is my face red?! Are my hands shaking?!_ As Hyojin finished filling the pot with water and turned to place it on the stove, Seungjoon quickly tried to look casual by leaning against the bench top with his arms folded awkwardly. Is this casual? He unfolded his arms.

His mind blanked as he held his hands together. _Ahhhhhhhhhh._

“You should go shower while the water is boiling, wash all the salt out of your hair,” said Hyojin, startling Seungjoon.

“What? Oh yeah, okay,” replied Seungjoon. He swiftly left the kitchen and grabbed some clothes to change into before going to the bathroom. After a quick shower, he stood in front of the bathroom mirror in his pyjamas, a towel around his neck and his hair still wet. _Should’ve packed a hairdryer._ He looked at his pyjamas that had a cartoon print on them. _I should have brought cooler pyjamas. What am I saying, what are cool pyjamas?_

Being stuck in a small space with Hyojin at the moment was stressing him out. As he hadn’t been outright rejected, he couldn’t help but feel a little hopeful. _Isn’t this worse? If he rejects me now, wouldn’t that feel worse?_ He groaned. _I don’t want to go back outside._ A thought suddenly occurred to him. _I can’t stay in here either, what if he thinks I’m doing something weird._ He pulled himself together and finally left the bathroom. 

“What timing, the water is boiling now,” said Hyojin as Seungjoon rejoined him in the kitchen. They cooked their noodles, set up their food on the small table in the living area and sat down to eat. After they had each taken a few bites, Seungjoon heard Hyojin snicker into his bowl and looked up at him.

“What?”

“So that’s why you’ve been acting weird.” Seungjoon wanted to choke on his food and die. He looked down at his bowl. _Alright, well since it’s already like this._

“Yeah. I was trying really hard,” replied Seungjoon, trying to sound casual and indifferent. Since Hyojin knew about his feelings anyway, there wasn’t any reason to hide anything from him anymore.

“To get over me?” Even though he was fine with letting everything out now, he still felt his cheeks flush.

“Yeah. And also trying to act normal.”

“Normal? When were you ever normal?” 

“I’m going to put laxatives in your food!” Hyojin laughed.

“Seriously, ‘worried about puberty’?” Seungjoon couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that too.

“I panicked!” They laughed again when suddenly Hyojin’s expression changed as he realised something else.

“Hey, that means you really were trying to avoid me!”

“It was only going to be temporary! Do you know how hard it is to stop liking y-“ Seungjoon stopped as he realised what he was about to say, feeling embarrassed as Hyojin looked at him, “-someone. It’s, it’s really… not… easy…” he trailed off before quickly shovelling food into his mouth again. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Are you crazy? You can say that because you’ve never felt like this,” as he said it, he felt a pang. _I feel like I just punched myself. He doesn’t feel the same._ “And, you know, because we’re friends, what if I made things weird?” Hyojin frowned.

“I feel kind of offended that you think so little of me.”

“What? No! That’s not it! It’s just, I mean I know you wouldn’t ditch me because of that but, ah, see, this kind of thing makes people irrational! You know? Well no, you wouldn’t, but anyway, it’s like that. This kind of stuff just makes you kind of crazy.” Hyojin looked at him for a few more moments before seeming to accept his explanation and continuing to eat. Seungjoon gave a silent sigh in relief before following suit. After a few moments, Hyojin looked up again.

“Then you made up the YuYu candy?” Seungjoon grinned.

“Yeah, I was looking at Yuto when I was making it up”

“Did you know it’s real?”

“What?!” 

“Yeah, I overheard Minseok telling Yuto about how he ordered some online for them to try”

“No way!” They both laughed and continued eating their dinner with the occasional idle chatter. When they finished, they played scissors-paper-rock to decide who would clear the table and who would wash the few dishes they had. Seungjoon lost and quickly finished washing the few utensils they’d used, before heading back to the living area as Hyojin showered. He wandered over to the cupboard in the corner of the room and opened it to check for blankets and pillows. Thankfully there was more than one of each and he dragged them all out.

After moving the low table they’d used to eat dinner on aside, he lay out one blanket on the floor, tossed one of the pillows down onto it for Hyojin and sat down cross legged hugging the other pillow. There were two blankets left that they could use to cover themselves, one each. _Is this weird?_ They’d had sleepovers before but it was different then. _No it’s not, we’ve had loads of sleepovers, why would this be weird? And what am I going to do if it is, go and sleep on the beach? I guess I could bury myself up to my neck…_ For a fleeting moment he considered it. _No, no, don’t be crazy, it’s only weird if I make it weird. _

The sounds of the shower stopped. Seungjoon sighed. _I should brace myself anyway._ He thought back to their conversation during dinner. _He really doesn’t like anyone. He doesn’t like meee._ Seungjoon made a sad face and kicked his legs out, flailing silently. _What kind of holiday is this?!_ He quickly stopped as he heard the bathroom door opening. Hyojin came out wearing a white shirt and black shorts. _Ah, I should have worn something like that. What am I thinking, why would that help? Like he’d fall for me if I had cooler sleepwear?_ He pouted. 

Hyojin sat down next to him and pulled one of the blankets over his legs before turning the TV on. He flicked through a few channels before settling on one that was playing a movie. They watched quietly except for when they laughed at the movie. Seungjoon stood up to turn off the light before settling down again, pulling his blanket over his legs and hugging the pillow.

“What have you got planned for tomorrow?” asked Hyojin, turning to Seungjoon for a moment.

“Eh? I didn’t make any plans,” replied Seungjoon absentmindedly, enjoying the movie.

“I guess we can just wing it,” said Hyojin, turning back to the movie. 

“Mhm.” _Wait, ‘we’? How long is he staying?_ Seungjoon wanted to ask but wasn’t sure what he wanted his answer to be, so he left it alone.

After the movie ended, Hyojin turned off the TV and they both lay down, Seungjoon placing the pillow he’d been holding behind his head. _Can I even sleep in this situation?_ Hyojin was right beside him. He was less than an arm’s length away. _Lee Seungjoon, pull yourself together._ He already had a good idea about how Hyojin felt about him. _You should be bracing yourself._ He gave a silent sigh. He could imagine what Hyojin would eventually say. Something like ‘I do love you, but like a brother’. He cringed and curled up, rolling to his left, forgetting Hyojin was there and bumping into him.

“Eep! Sorry!” he quickly apologised before rolling back the other way. “I just accidentally forgot you were there!” He covered his face with his hands even though it was dark and he was already facing the other way. _I should have buried myself in the sand._ He heard Hyojin chuckle.

“Calm down, I know. Like you would purposefully forget I was here?” Seungjoon could almost feel Hyojin’s grin. 

“I told you, you can’t think properly when you have these kinds of feelings.” He rolled back to lie flat on his back again.

“You like me that much?” Seungjoon could hear the smile in his voice. While still lying down, he quickly pulled his pillow out from under his head and hit Hyojin a few times.

“Ah!” Hyojin covered his head before he retaliated and used his pillow to hit Seungjoon back. They began a pillow fight in the darkness, stifling laughter as they hit and blocked each other. As Seungjoon’s eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out Hyojin’s outline. He caught Hyojin’s arm that held his pillow and hit him freely, laughing. Hyojin tried to block Seungjoon’s attacks with his free hand before changing tactics and tickling Seungjoon. Seungjoon instantly recoiled, letting go of Hyojin’s wrist and accidentally hitting him in the side of his head.

“Ow!” Seungjoon gasped as he realised what he’d done and quickly held Hyojin’s head, patting the spot where he thought he’d hit him. 

“Sorry!” It took a few moments for Seungjoon to realise what he was doing and he froze, before quickly withdrawing his hands. “Uh… I wasn’t-” He heard Hyojin give a tired sigh.

“I know; you weren’t hitting on me, just hitting me. You don’t have to feel awkward about everything.” Hyojin lay back down, placing his pillow behind his head again. 

Seungjoon sat still for a moment, before following suit, thanking the darkness for hiding his face which was flushed from embarrassment. As he settled down, letting his arms fall to his sides, he felt his left hand brush against Hyojin’s.

_Nope, I’m not going to overreact again. This is nothing, just stay calm, don’t be weird._ He shut his eyes tight, biting his lip. _Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird._

“Are you shaking?” Seungjoon hadn’t realised his hand had started trembling.

“Am I?”

“I don’t understand what you’re so nervous about.” Seungjoon turned his head to look at Hyojin, even though he couldn’t see him in the dark. _Are you kidding? Shouldn’t it be ob-_ He felt Hyojin’s hand hold his fingers. His mind blanked as his heart started racing. _What-?_ “We’re friends, aren’t we? Best friends.”

“Uhhhh,” Seungjoon wasn’t sure if he was breathing anymore. He let out a strangled “Yeah?” Was that weird noise just now made by him? He felt Hyojin’s fingers lace his.

“Friends can hold hands, can’t they?” Seungjoon was pressing his lips tightly together and trying to calm himself.

“Mhm,” He wasn’t really sure what he was agreeing to; his brain had stopped working.

“Then just calm down and go to sleep. Goodnight.” It took a beat for Seungjoon’s brain to catch up.

“Goodnight,” he said back, staring at the darkness, wondering how he was supposed to fall asleep like this. He didn’t know when but eventually the exhaustion from the day’s madness finally caught up and he fell asleep. 

The next day Seungjoon woke, blinking slowly and feeling disorientated, forgetting where he was for a few moments before remembering. _Was it real?_ He turned his head to the left to check on Hyojin and sat up. He was gone. He quickly looked around and saw Hyojin’s backpack still beside his bag. _Then that really happened? He was here? He-he held my hand?_ Seungjoon stared at his hand. ‘Friends can hold hands’ _he said. Friends can hold hands, right? They do. Do friends hold hands like that though? To sleep?_ He wondered if this was something he could search online. 

While lost in his thoughts, the door suddenly opened and Hyojin came in holding some bags.

“Oh, you’re awake. I bought us some food,” he said, holding up the bags. “Go wash up and we can eat.” Seungjoon simply nodded once before getting up and quickly folding up the blankets. Hyojin set the bags down before helping him put away the folded blankets and pillows. He patted Seungjoon on the back once and nodded towards the bathroom. He turned and went into the bathroom as Hyojin set up the little table for them to eat. 

Seungjoon started brushing his teeth, looking at his reflection in the mirror, his face showing some of the confusion he felt. _I’m probably overthinking it. Just let it go._ He finished brushing his teeth and washed his face. His hair was slightly messy so he ran his hands through his hair roughly. He tried smiling in the mirror. _No, this doesn’t seem natural at all. Why would I leave the bathroom smiling? Idiot._ He sighed at his reflection before shaking his head and leaving the bathroom.

Hyojin had set the things he had bought on the table, two cartons of milk, some bread, buns and kimbap. He patted the floor cushion beside him. Seungjoon sat down as Hyojin opened his milk carton and took a sip. 

“Did you sleep well?” asked Hyojin. It sounded innocent enough but Seungjoon looked at him a little suspiciously as he opened his own milk.

“Well enough. You?” Hyojin nodded as he picked one of the buns and started to eat. He seemed normal. Seungjoon’s thoughts started to swirl again. Was it too soon to expect a reply? What was he thinking? Had he thought about it at all? 

“Did you bring your charger? I forgot to bring mine,” said Hyojin, startling Seungjoon from his thoughts.  
“Yeah, it’s in my bag, you can grab it when you need it.”

“Cool, thanks. What should we do after we eat? I saw some claw machines in one of the shops I passed on the way back we could try.”  
“That sounds alright, we can do that.” Seungjoon ate his bun, still feeling tense. He made up his mind as he finished eating and decided to say something.

“Hey,” Hyojin looked up at him from his second bun. “I don’t want to put pressure on you or anything but… would it be possible to ask for a timeframe for a reply?” Seungjoon spoke carefully, trying to not blurt out the mess in his head. “It’s just, I came out here for a reason and then you totally blew up my plans and asked me to wait, and I don’t mind but…” he looked down at his fidgeting hands, “I don’t think you understand how messed up I’ve been feeling and I don’t want to feel insane forever.” He glanced at Hyojin. “So do you think like… a week? Two weeks? It’s really okay if you don’t feel the same. I just want to settle things.” Seungjoon watched tensely as Hyojin slowly finished with what was in his mouth before he replied.

“A reply…” Hyojin looked him in the eye, “to what?” Seungjoon stared at him dumbfounded. Then he started to feel a little mad.

“To what? Are you serious right now? You know how I feel and-“

“Do I? You never confessed to me though?” 

“What are you saying? I said all that stuff at the beach didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you said a lot of stuff directed to the sea, but you didn’t say it to me.” Seungjoon stared at him, trying to understand what was happening while Hyojin looked right back, head slightly tilted and, was that a slight smile in his eyes? Seungjoon quickly thought back to the beach. He did confess! …Didn’t he? He had been yelling at the sea and then Hyojin came and then… and then Hyojin had asked him to wait… he couldn’t remember saying it directly, maybe he hadn’t, but it was obvious what he had meant!

“Actually, I don’t remember hearing you say you like me at all. Maybe I naively assumed your feelings, but I don’t know them,” said Hyojin, pretending to sound hurt. “Maybe if I heard you say it, I could give you a reply.” He was looking at a stunned Seungjoon now, a slight smile on his lips.  
“You obviously already know- you want me to-?“

Hyojin was openly smiling now. _He’s teasing me. But does that mean he feels the same? If he doesn’t-_

“If you’re just messing with me, I’ll punch you. This fist,” Seungjoon raised his fist to demonstrate, “In your face.” Hyojin just smiled back at him.

“Go on.” Seungjoon bit his lip, his heart racing, steeling himself.

“I-“

“I like you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Please look forward to part 2, Hyojin's POV! Although when I will finish, who knows, haha
> 
> ((Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Merry Changyoon Day!))


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